The surgery

I have been having a wonderful time recovering from the chemo, being with my kids, organizing the house, playing outside, cooking - all the things that I had been too sick and tired to do for the past several months. It has been a good few weeks.

Tomorrow I am finally going in for a bilateral mastectomy. I have been thinking over the past weeks how I would write a blog about it and how I am feeling, but now that it is here, I have nothing profound to say. It is what it is. I'm nervous because I have never had any major surgery, but I am trusting in God. He has been orchestrating the details of all of this so far, so I have no doubt he will do that tomorrow as well.

From what I have been told, the first two weeks of recovery I will not be able to do anything. The next two weeks I will be able to do more, but no housework or anything that requires repetitive movement of my arms. And no picking up the baby for way too long. I think that is the hardest part.

Many of you have asked about how to help during this time, and so I will post a link to the meal train: http://www.mealtrain.com/?id=maopw61ean9t

And I will thank you in advance for all your prayers. I love you all.

I made it through five months!

Today was my last chemo treatment! Hooray!

I made cake to share with all the patients and nurses.

This is a celebration!

But, I have had some conflicting feelings about this moment, because although I am so, so happy, I get afraid to be really happy and hopeful because even though this part is done, I am not finished with my journey. Most of my negative feelings are based in fear. Fear that I won't get my energy back. Fear that the cancer will grow again. And fear of the upcoming surgery and recovery time.

But I do know this, I can rejoice today despite my fear. Because my feelings are not always truthful or reliable. Jesus says that The Father watches and knows the lives of the sparrow - birds that we place little value upon. He knows when even one of them falls to the ground. "Even the hairs of your head are all counted. Don’t be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows."

My fears are valid. But not needed, nor do they impart truth, in the light of this magnificent God I serve.

 Even more than that, the God I serve came to earth in a human body to trade himself for me. No strings. So even if all the cancer comes back, even if I have no energy, even if I can't handle the surgery, I have no fear of judgement or death. My penalty has been paid. He has taken my place. And the cool part is that He can walk through any storm and make it through it ALIVE.

"When the wind had driven them out for about three or four miles, they saw Jesus walking on the water. He was approaching the boat and they were afraid. He said to them, 'I Am. Don’t be afraid.'"

So today I am rejoicing. Part of my storm is over and He has carried me through it. ALIVE.

It seems kind of fitting that it is so close to Easter weekend. I can't wait to celebrate Jesus's glorious resurrection. He has brought me with Him. I don't know why, but that is the nature of LOVE I guess.

Hallelujah.

Goodbye

My grandpa passed away this week to join his bride (my grandma who passed away two years ago) in heaven.

While we are extremely sad and miss him in this life, we are also rejoicing that he is in paradise with Jesus in a new body and with a new heart.

Eugene W. Brock, served our country in World War II as a captain in the Air Force. He flew 35 missions as a navigator in a B52 bomber.

He was also an engineer and inventor. He held 14 patents in his name. He invented the Twilight Sentinel automatic car light system that is now the model for all cars. He also invented the first automatic dimming rear view mirror. And he worked on the team that invented the first key-less entry for automobiles.

But more than all of that, he was a husband, a father and a wonderful, wonderful grandfather, and great-grandfather.
I remember being a kid and helping him build a tree house for us with a zip-line and a rope swing and ladder. He took us wild berry picking every summer, and one time when I ran into a swarm of bees, he carried me all the way home like the hero he was.
He loved to garden and make things in his workshop, which had every tool you could imagine. He was creative, hardworking, devoted, and loyal.

He was also one of the most generous people I have ever known. There have been times in my life that were really rough financially, and he always came to our rescue. And I know that he did that for other people as well. I am convinced that he gave more than he ever kept.

He has always cared about how my family and I were doing and made it his business to help take care of us if it was needed. He loved being around my kids, his great-grand kids, and he was equally cherished by them.

Our loss of him will be felt here on earth and I can't wait to see him again in presence of God. I imagine him and Grandma there now, looking young and vibrant, feeling peace and joy and worshipping their Savior. It gives me great happiness and hope to think of them that way.

Ready to be well.

I had a massage this week. It was wonderful. But I am the kind of person, who, when leading up to an event that is meant to make me feel good, I feel guilty. And anxious. I don't know why I get like that, but I do. During the massage, I started crying! I cried because I SO needed to have a healing touch after being, quite literally, poisoned for months. It made me really, really want to get healthy. To be healthy. And to be good and loving to myself.

I am ready to get well.
My first chemo meds were so bad that I couldn't even think about doing anything, much less do anything.
But now the medicines are not quite as strong, and while my body still doesn't want to do much, my mind is busy thinking of everything that I would like to do. In my head, I am busy planting gardens, painting furniture, learning how to run, getting back into my yoga routine, making all sorts of delicious foods and making beautiful jewelry. None of that is actually happening.... But I am ready for it to!
It has been five months since I was diagnosed. It seems like yesterday, but it also seems like a million years ago. How does time work like that? I know that before I know it I will be doing the things I love again, but time feels as slow as molasses right now.

But look at these happy pictures. Such love, trust and happiness during this time. I need to remember them.

God's grace is not in the "what if's..."

Cancer is not all it's cracked up to be.
And I mean that in the opposite way most of you might take it. What I mean is that despite the scariness and pain that cancer causes, God's grace is sufficient throughout the whole journey, so that the day to day walking through it is bearable. The "what if's" are NOT bearable.


I have been using the phrase "God's grace is sufficient" a lot lately. It has never meant as much as it does right now. The phrase comes from a letter that the apostle Paul wrote where he talked about "a thorn" that he had in his life that he had begged God to remove. He says: "But he [God] said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV)

Now I will tell you how I have seen evidence of this.

During this struggle I have not had the energy to make food for our family of six. Other people have brought us food. On nights when no one has brought us anything, somehow we still have dinner on the table. As a mother, it is easy for me to fret about nourishment for my kids, but I can tell you that there has not been one. single. night. when we have not been fed ABUNDANTLY.
God's grace is sufficient.

Six weeks ago I found out I had 12 more treatments to undergo. I didn't think I could do it. I thought it would kill me. Now I am halfway through. I'm doing it. It's not so bad. We still laugh and smile and have good times.
God's grace is sufficient.

Recently I read online about how people should be eating a certain way and exercising in order to kill cancer cells that pop up in the body. I really fretted and worked myself up about that. Not because I don't think we should eat healthy and exercise - I do - but because I CAN'T DO IT PERFECTLY. AT ALL. I was near to a panic attack because I just felt like cancer would keep coming back and back and back to my body. When I woke up the next morning, I opened my Bible app and a verse popped up on the screen: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
God's grace is sufficient.

His grace is not in the "what if's." His grace is for me right now.
Thank you, Lord.

I am sitting in the chemo treatment room right now, feeling thankful. I'm thankful for the word of God that I just read and thankful for how timely and encouraging it was. I'm thankful for the new friendships of the people that I meet here; people who understand what I am going through, people whom I understand. And I am thankful that I only have breast cancer. It could be much, much worse.

At the same time as my feelings of thankfulness, I also feel like I'm running a marathon. I have gotten to the part of the race where I'm breathing so heavily that I can't carry on a conversation anymore. I can feel my heart wanting to beat out of my chest. All the people offering Gatorade and water are behind me and it is just me, God and the road. I'm still far enough way from the finish line that I can't see it. But I know it is there...somewhere up ahead, waiting for me to cross it.

Obviously I know there are still people on the sidelines cheering me on. I guess I am just so caught up in the race that I can barely see them anymore. I just have to remember to breathe. I have 8 treatments left. I'm going to make it. God's grace is sufficient.

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, the one who called you into his eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will himself restore, empower, strengthen, and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10

Birthday

I'm 35. Today is my birthday.
It was also supposed to be a treatment day. I got up early and went to the hospital, but my white blood count was too low to do the treatment. This also means that I can't go anywhere that I could possibly be exposed to germs, effectively canceling any birthday outings we may have planned for this weekend.
BUT, I was so relieved not to have to do treatment on my birthday. And I don't really feel like going anywhere anyway. I'd like to just lay in bed and let my children keep making me paper crowns and cards for a few more days.


"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."


I know that God is doing great things in my life, least of all, healing me. And I am grateful to be one year older to tell you about it.

4 turns to 12

I thought I was halfway through. My doctor didn't tell me that the plan had changed after we found out my cancer was positive for the HER2 protein. But it did.

This week, I went in to get the first of my four remaining treatments on the new medicines and I was told that it would actually be twelve treatments; one per week.

I'm not feeling very positive about this and even though I keep trying not to throw myself a pity party, I keep finding that I have just thrown one, over and over again.

I want so badly to have energy to do normal things, like clean and organize all this stuff floating around our house. Or to take down the Christmas tree, or make a dinner I saw on Pinterest, or teach the kids something...maybe take them somewhere where they can get culture, or exercise. I feel like a complete failure at every single goal I had for myself and my family this year.
And I kept putting this blog away, because even though I wanted to update everyone, I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to say. And I have no pictures, which is not the way I like to do things. I know you don't need to hear my whining. I should be showing you how a "strong girl with faith" can get through this. Right?

Wrong. I'm not strong. I have little faith.

But I do know where to turn when I realize that I am out of control. And I am pretty sure that even though it completely goes against our cultural standards and against my own desires and will, "out of control" is exactly where He likes us to be when we come to Him.

I just read in the Book of Job, God's answer to Job, where He states all the things that He is in control of and questions Job as to why man thinks he is actually controlling things.

I didn't have a huge epiphany when I read the last five chapters of Job, but I do feel convicted to let go. To fully trust that my world isn't going to end if we use every single last dish and never ever wash them again. The police aren't going to come arrest me if my Christmas tree stays up until June. My kids are still going to know stuff even if they have to learn it off of the History Channel this year. God's love isn't going to change for me if I can't get up off the couch. And I hope my children's love won't change for me, too.
I have to trust Him that my life AND my death are known by Him, controlled by Him, used by Him and purposed for Him, by Him.


I think this process of surrender is going to be an ongoing one. So far, God has proved trustworthy in my life. He has constantly provided for me even when I haven't acknowledged it or been a good steward or been faithful to Him in any way.

Why is it so hard to give up control when I don't have it anyway?

For now, I am thinking about this conversation between Moses and God:

But Moses said to the LORD , "My Lord, I’ve never been able to speak well, not yesterday, not the day before, and certainly not now since you’ve been talking to your servant. I have a slow mouth and a thick tongue." Then the LORD said to him, "Who gives people the ability to speak? Who’s responsible for making them unable to speak or hard of hearing, sighted or blind? Isn’t it I, the LORD ? Now go! I’ll help you speak, and I’ll teach you what you should say."

And I am meditating on these true and beautiful words that a psalmist wrote:

You establish the mountains by your strength; you are dressed in raw power; you calm the roaring seas; calm the roaring waves, calm the noise of the nations. Those who dwell on the far edges stand in awe of your acts. You make the gateways of morning and evening sing for joy. You visit the earth and make it abundant, enriching it greatly by God’s stream, full of water. You provide people with grain because that is what you’ve decided. Drenching the earth’s furrows, leveling its ridges, you soften it with rain showers; you bless its growth. You crown the year with your goodness; your paths overflow with rich food. Even the desert pastures drip with it, and the hills are dressed in pure joy.

Yes, I am still afraid. And I still don't like the feeling of being out of control. But I want to trust. I just want to surrender to the One Who Can Control It All.

Lord help me.

Beloved

I just finished my fourth treatment. I am officially halfway through. Woo hoo! And from what I hear, the medicines that they have been giving me are the meanest ones. So that means the next medications may treat me a little nicer.

I have been wanting to update everyone for a while, but I just didn't have it in me to type and get pictures and the whole nine yards. The third treatment just after Thanksgiving really threw me for a doozy. After coming down with a slight fever and a major headache, I was taken to the ER where they discovered that I was low on potassium, dehydrated, and that my blood pressure was super low. So they admitted me and did a blood transfusion.
The transfusion really did make me feel better, but mentally, being in the hospital really took a toll on me. The room was tiny, the smells were gross, I couldn't eat a thing and I literally felt that at any moment something even worse was going to happen to make me have to stay there f.o.r.e.v.e.r.

Can we say panic attack?

When I got home from the hospital, I can honestly say I was at the lowest point that I have been in, in a long time. I felt defeated. I felt scared. I wondered where God was.
I kept thinking of Jesus's lowest earthly moments, when he was hungry in the desert and Satan kept tempting him, and then just a couple of years later, at the garden of Gethsemane when he begged God to take the cup of the hour of darkness from him, but then conceded that it is not his will but God's that should be done. After both of those times, angels were sent to minister to Jesus.

My whole life, I kind of pictured the ministering angels to be giving out free back and foot massages. And maybe a warm or cold cloth on his forehead.
As I laid in bed feeling so low, I cried out to the Lord to send his angels to minister to ME too. Even though I don't deserve it.

No ethereal hands touched my back, no cloth graced my temple, but something did happen.
It may have been angels, but I tend to think it was the Holy Spirit His Very Self.
Every time I would silently scream something like "Where you God?" I would hear a quiet voice in my mind, gently say, "The Lord your God is with you." When I said, "save me from this!" I heard words like, "He is mighty to save." Then I said, "I'm not even worthy for you to heal me." and the refute was "He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

I can't deny that all of my scared, negative thoughts were being silenced and then replaced by the truth being ministered to me by my God.

In the past weeks, more angels have ministered to me in the form of God's human messengers; Food being dropped off at my door, an anonymous gift basket tailored just for me showing up out of nowhere, and generous souls who are gifting me with cards, gifts and blessings that I truly do NOT deserve. Yet, God has chosen me to be the recipient of all these beautiful fortunes. I don't know why I'm loved. But I do feel loved.
Thank you. I can never pay it all back. And I know that is not why it is given. But I really hope that I can be a part of loving others the way I have been loved.

We love Him because He first loved us.

Meal Train:

P.S. I have had people asking about bringing meals. Here is another link that will take you to the meal train that my dear friend set up for me. Click HERE. All of your meals are and have been such a blessing to my family during this time. It is so nice to know that I haven't had to worry about feeding the kids. I may not be able to send each of you an email or note to say thank you (although I am trying....) but I do want everyone who has brought a meal to know that I am so very grateful.

The Upward Way

My hair began to fall out this past Saturday, two days after my second chemo treatment. It was time to shave it off. I keep trying to remember to tell myself that if the medicines are doing this to my hair, just think what it is doing to the cancer.

My mom came over that day and sang this hymn to me. It made me feel better.

I’m pressing on the upward way,

New heights I’m gaining every day;

Still praying as I’m onward bound,

“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”

My heart has no desire to stay
Where doubts arise and fears dismay;
Though some may dwell where those abound,
My prayer, my aim, is higher ground.

Lord, lift me up and let me stand,

By faith, on Heaven’s table land,

A higher plane than I have found;

Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

I want to live above the world,

Though Satan’s darts at me are hurled;

For faith has caught the joyful sound,

The song of saints on higher ground.

I want to scale the utmost height

And catch a gleam of glory bright;

But still I’ll pray till Heav’n I’ve found,

“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”